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JOURNAL

JANUARY 14TH, 2020

eating disorder tw

long time no seeeeeee..... ive successfully made it thru my first semester of college and started the second on the wrong foot. my friend karina is finally my roommate and we chillin. only problem is she gets in these moods and just brings bad vibes and just now i was gonna eat broccoli alfredo bc i was like aight i need to eat after being anorexic for a few days but she was like r u gonna eat that rn? like yah i WAS lmao now im kind of twiggewed uwuwuwuwuwuw in the sense of im a pos who shouldnt be eating this late even tho its 8 pm and the only thing i ate was half a grilled cheese. like i know i shouldnt let her get to me but shes kind of condescending in that way and ive been in a depressive episode and eating the food now is just going to upset me further. she said its too heavy for now but she was going to eat oreos and milk just now like..... ok ur not having a proper meal either. ive been doing fine but ever since i started second semester its been rough and bleh. ive been wanting to cry LMAOOO but yeah thats all for now. this semester im taking intro to cinema, child dev psych, abnormal psych, alg 2, comp 2, and psychology seminar which im terrified of due to the paper im going to have to write on top of what i have to write for comp 2. ill be fine totally ill get everything done but im just freaking out at the potential of freak outs im going to have EEK.

SEPTEMBER 29TH, 2019 11:45 PM

aight so a lot happened so imma put in bullet points -made semi friends i like marcel hes soft spoken and nice i hope we become good friends -college is fine as long as i keep up w my shit, i hate english composition bc im bad at writing essays. -karina and i r having more alone time which is fine its better that way we r still cool and close -ive watched mindhunter pretty good show -during the school week i spend 70% in the library to get shit done and honestly what else am i gonna be doing? -im in environmental, and psych club. -my body image has been shaky -also i survived a week and a half without my meds i almost freaked it and yes i relapsed but thats mental illness x i have band tomorrow which im iffy about i want to play percussion again but idk about the traveling, hopefully i get to make new friends, im afraid of falling behind in class, which now thinking about it, doesnt make sense bc most classes run on textbook but still, participation yknow? my mom and sisters and nephews r coming next week im happy hehehe i havent seen em in a bit. my mom sent over coconut water, blankets, and my chains over the mail. I also decorated my room all cute slowly but surely im getting comfortable. i need to hit up my friend pam more i love her i just suck at communication. i also love korean girl groups theyre so talented!! aight thats all folks KOTA

SEPTEMBER 3RD, 2019 7:25 PM

my first week of uni came and went with no real trouble other than me waking up and going in late to japanese class. this week will be a short 4 day due to not having school monday. i miss my dogs LMAO still trying to socialize and make friends but its so exhausting. at least i have karina, in feel like im annoying her but i think thats the MENTAL ILLNESS LUV X im having major cramps. my body image is out of wack and im freaking out. i think its pms lovelies. i hope ur week was great lol!! lets get this bread in either studies or work!!!!!! if ur in none lets get this self care bread, its real easy to fall behind in things like sleeping a full 8 hrs and eating fruits and shit. ok bye KOTA

AUGUST 26TH, 2019 2:13 PM

ok so i went thru orientation weekend not missing my parents much just my dog uhhh i had my first day of classes i have my second one at 3 which is fucking algebra. the only reason im not totally freaking out is bc i have my friend karina to freak out w me. good thing im numb to most things now bc i have a level head and see that things arent that bad in college. i want to make more friends tho, theres this korean exchange student who took a liking to me so hopefully we can become from friends but she said she might be moving back to s. korea so im kinda ): but if things work out maybe i could still be friends. my english teacher prof. rogus is a bit spacey but her class seems to be easy and chill so honestly it might be cake :flushed: i miss my friends i havent been messaging them due to being busy w meetings and things but since i have my whole day free i can do hw and hit them up later. OH yeah also my roommate is too quiet idk what her deal is but when we do interact shes polite so i guess its whatever yknow. anyway bye KOTA

AUGUST 18TH, 2019 12:02 AM

alright im 18 now so far so good, im also rushing to pack and buy stuff for collge lmao. i impulsively bought air force 1 hightops so imma figure out what to wear w those im probs gonna wear dresses and shit w it hehe my sister trial happened and things r settling down we r just taking things day by day now honestly. i went to my therapist said our goodbye for nows and after i unloaded all my baggage imok to go to school its just an episode is hitting rn which is slowing down my packing and literally sabotaging my future!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111 im playing minecraft w thomas and tyler most of the time now. so calming im glad thomas and i r getting closer heheheh we called on discord his voice wasnt what i thought for some reason and he said my voice was exactly what he expected. its easy t talk to him at least and he finds me funny i think. he also met tyler and they hit it off i think so too LGKDFLGSJ i just know this yr will be good. ill be w karina and make new friends hopefully find someone to FALL IN LOVE W AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. ive also been thinking of deleting my instagram, im just shy about uploading pictures on twitter or something ill upload them onto here i need validation that im not gross even tho i preseent myself in that manner to the world lol. ill start by deactivating my loona and spam acc. also gonna just save my photos or sumn bc it doesnt matter what people on the internet think about my appearance. its only deactvating so its not even permanent and can always go back but ill try and stay off for a month or a week at least and see how it goes.. ill get bored but i should write/draw/or read somethings. mayb discover new music to play. im also thinking about becoming penpals w tyler and my friend amanda and izzy. ill give them my numbers bc i usually talk to them thru instagram lmao. and the rest can hit me up on fb messenger or discord if they really care that much. only people im not actively texting but know genuinely miss me r jen, and pam. i text to nat siri and amanda and izzy so whatevs lol. i also watched PALO ALTO, found it intriguing how none of their situations were resolved. ted and april see thru the muck and admit their feelings. its pure and nice unlike the adults that have been trying to ruin that. hopefully later in the morning i get to go to the outlets and get fits hehehe im mad how my debit card isnt here yet like what the heck!!! i need moneey and i don tlike carrying cash tbh. trying to convince my sister to let my friend come w me. ok end of update time to go i love you. KOTA

AUGUST 7TH, 2019 10:09 PM

ok well writing this bc for the past ew days ive been anxious about my sister having her court date on the 12th everything will b fine no matter what im just glad she'll be here to spend my birthday w me.im not having a party this yr im just gonna maker her cook chiles rellenos so i can have a nice dinner w the fam lol. im also nervous about school i leave in 16 days and i havent started packing l.m.a.o. idek what to pack bc the school fucked up rooming and idk if my friends gonna be my roommate so idk what the heck to even bring. the girl they assigned me to for now is a fucking dry ass hoe!!!! shes probably nice im just mad lmao. probs gonna change my major to like something w software designing aa we'll see rn im gonna study psychology which is also dope. going back to my sister and her situatiion. i just saw a video of parents getting their residency and meeting their siblings in mexico after 30 years of not seeing them and i just cried i never want to be seperated from my siblings i hate this so much i wish time can go forward where the situation is over and i can finally calm down. ive been in a bad mood recently and i feel it getting worse its the stress, but tomorrow im going to see the ED dr. after how long, i need to mak my appointment w my psych b4 i leave on the 23rd. also my dumbass school is making me do these long ass survey at first they were fun bc i love talking about myself butnow im an hour into the alcohol safety assignment as if im going to heed these warning and not become a raging alcoholic AGAIN !!! this survey is actually kind of triggering me in the stupidest way my brain is so fucking tiny!!!!!!!!!!! can i catch a break actually? i saw 2 movies last night THE DARKEST MINDS and DEADPOOL 2 both were good!! the darkest minds was epic im actually gonna download the second book and see how it goes lol. why they always making the black lead fall in love w white boys? dont know but that shit got me hooked. Deadpool was great i liked yukio and i also liked the theme of not giving up on people even tho the message and execution was shallow the movie was exceptional in the aspect of action!! tmw i might go to the movies w my nephew to watch hobbs + shaw lol i heard roman reigns is in it!! i need to watch wwe again i just got depressed and stopped watching and never really got into it again. oh yh i got a new phone its just one version above the last one but its still cool. ok imma finish that god awful assignment and watch some movies!!! oh yeah the show EUPHORIA was mad good and got me feeling empty at the end lmao rues bipolar kinda triggered me in a way that AGAIN IS STUPID. her mania spcifically bc i can see myself doing that shit myself aaaaaaa!!!!! ok goodnight yall i love you!! KOTA

JULY 31ST, 2019 11:27 PM

ok woke up late went to go eat wings w the cousin and now we havin a sleepover.... i made corn cheese with maanchis recipe book and that shit tasted like elotes but that made me realize how w all connect someway or another, with food, and other stuff ok im tired and am getting corny!!!!! BYE

JULY 30TH, 2019 10:37 PM

i slept til 5 pm which is v sexy of me then i went to my cousins to hang not before getting a caramel iced latte and a french cruller, after that i just chilled in my room and cleansed it w buning cinnamon bc ive been getting bad vibes and nightmares i just didnt like the energy anymore. i also boosted my spell jar for my sister. i really dont want her to go, i need her here, shes like a second mother to me, she needs to be w her kids and raise them. this all just sucks i probs didnt mention this b4 but ic got to her and it aint looking good. so if ur reading this send good vibes our way. i made plans to go to the movies on thurs with nat to go watch once upon a time in hollywood so that should be litty. i might go eat wings tmw as well. lately ive been nervous about school, now that the date is coming up fast im freaking out, and just thinking about the money is hfvjdvjalkg but i will b fine tho. it could be worse i heard some kids from school might not even go anymore bc of the cost. tho im nervous im excited to be on my own w karina (my roomate). ive been in a write-y mood so imma do that after this but my chromes acting stupid idek if this will upload even less save... regarding my ed.. eek.... gn

JULY 29TH, 2019 10:00 PM

b4 i move on to upd8ing nothing much has been happening except my body dysmorphia being out of pocket. in light tho is that ive been wearing dresses and not to comform to the male gaze (lol) ive been feeling pretty. anna oop i should tak off my make up now that i think about it. probs gonna go to the movies tmw w nani and my cousins cuz they havent seen spiderman yet lol. ive been listening to animal collective all day, ive never listened to them b4 heheh im now ur hipster wannabe, the songs tikwid and doggy make me big emo :33 also yeah blah blah clairo but her song bags hits the angsty teen to pulp. yes im yearning!!!

JULY 26TH, 2019 ?:?? ??

got out of work, ate a salad, ate cold chili, napped for three hours, now im here wishin i used that time to talk to thomas, read, play smash, or splatoon. anyway goodnight

JULY 25TH, 2019 11:56 PM

ok imma catch up on the last 2 weeks or so. i went to new york w my friend and watched th temptations broadway show, v cool. OKAY NOW 4 TODAY. went over to my friend nanis house and did our make up.. i wasnt really feeling going out today bc of y mood but i told myself to get up bc shes trying to get over a breakup and ive been wanting to hang and no way am i letting my mood ruin that!!!! lol then she took me on a trail near her house and went to a small island type thing surrounded by a swamp, it was pretty cool lol, lots of swans and shit. then she took me to see a cool waterfall thing but it was getting dark and shit so we started heading back bc her mom was making tuna (which we ate w hot sauce and hot cheetos w in a sandwich!!!!!!!!!!!!) but i decided lets cut thru this lawn and we ran into a BUFF ASS ROTTWEILER the owner said oh he dont bite and the dog came at me and NIPPED MY SHIRT BRO I WAS AAAFJJDKVGDJK my brain was short circuiting but my meds dont let me process fear correctly so i wasnt really scared but i didnt want to feel pain if that made sense LMAO anyway i didnt really feel some type of way towards the man or the dog but he husky and tried to attack me twice. im at home now and tryna go to sleep bc ive got work in the morning.. L. my dad got me bojangles this morning tho which was good. i swear i had more to say but u know what ill just add more stuff when i think of it. this journal is moreso for me bc ik yall dont care BUT i used to have this mood tracker app where i wrote what i did daily and how i felt and it was pretty cool seeing everything, oo!!!!! i should do that type of thing... like a scale out of 5 on how my mood was that day anyway gn... KOTA

JULY 14TH, 2019 8:16TH PM

nothing like finding new music that you immediately just love and resonate with. i havent had that in a bit but just listening to the loveless album takes me back to that exact moment where i listened to 'sometimes' for the first time and felt tingly and warm. im in need of that feeling again lol, im starting new chapters in my life and everything is changing i just want a moment to breathe and listen to a good album and just veg out lol!! tell me if an album comes to mind when u read this 💖 KOTA

JULY 13TH, 2019 10:45 PM

today i worked at 3-9 and can i say i hate working night shifts. no offense but if ur an afternoon customer FUCK YOU and STOP BEING AN IDIOT. anyway it was just annoying and my meds arent available so i might just jump out a window. also the malls janitor is fucking weird he asked for my last name and i was like "dont have one" like get the fuck away from me dude. thats all ive got to say on the matter. OH YEAH REMEMBER THERES A FULL MOON ON THE 16TH SO REMEMBER TO CHARGE UR WATER AND CRYSTALS/TOOLS OR JUST LET GO OF THE PAST MONTHS NEGATIVITY AND BREATHE IN THE NEW!!!! thats all for now goodnight :heart::heart: KOTA

JULY 12TH, 2019 11:49 PM

nothing much happened today other than i got paid and my bffl bought me new tarot cards!! the basic witches deck! lol i love him so much i miss him a lot i want to go watch a movie. i GOTTA GET MY ID SO I CAN WATCH MIDSOMMAR UHGH UHG im going to change the index page im starting to become frustrated w the site being so bluhhhh but my coding abilities.... r ..... so sAD.... i just took a morality quiz i got a 75 percent parsimonus score... i leave link in XTRA. ive been feeling ok my body image has been shaky but thats kinda the norm now. im going to edit the site now lol! i started death note... its really good i always thought it was just a n edgy cringy anime, which it is dont get me wrong but its entertaining. my 6th grade self wouldve loved it lmao. time to make this site more EDGY

JULY 12TH, 2019 1:04 AM

ok update i feel like im finally getting out of this funk lol. anyway i went to my unis orientation and i loved it! i already made a few friends. some of the presentations overwhelmed me but in the end i was alright bc karina and i will be alright!!!! i have less than 40 days til i leave. i will totally be fine!!! anyway this mood could be short lived due to me realizing JUST NOW that im not taking my meds regularly. ANYWAY i gotta see my therapist soon lolz and tell her everything. i got my pendulums and tarot cards!!! ive been practicing on my friends. i might be convincing my friend karina to follow her path in magick eeeeeee coven mates? LMAO uhhhh ill start adding music and shtuff to my blog and some links on where i learn some magic stuff eheheh in case any of u are interested LOVE KOTA

JULY 3RD, 2019 12:55 AM

my mother is leaving to el salvador on thursday i fear 4 her safety while traveling as well as being in the country alone w my aunt. she will be fine :). ive been contemplating not taking my meds in a twisted way of self harm and for some reason i think itll make me feel things and cry. but doing so i risk offing myself lmao. i need to get my nails done too before i tear off a finger nail )): i feel alone. i want friends who love me and show it. i sound so ungrateful i do have them but i feel like im easily replacable and they could drop me at any moment. i dont like that feeling. idk how to vent i feel nothing which is why i want to get off my meds bc im writing this down bc this is what i should be feeling but the meds muffle? the feeling? makes me feel angry. i cant express things very well. im just seeing how lonely i am hm.. on the bright side i made a new friend, i dont want to rush things so im not being clingy other than sending heart emojis. eheheh. this post was a bummer but thats what i am underneath my charisma and class clown archetype personality *rolls eyes* also i found the fucking gifcities site uhhh someone say slow? KOTA

JUNE 30TH, 2019 11:05 PM

ok so recapping wednesday til NOW is i got my puppy we named her Chiquis, shes so tiny and bites a lot!!!!!! i started talking to someone on twitter named john i hope we become good friends he seems cool so far. ive been feeling a bit off lately dont know what to do. i go to my unis orientation, i feel nervous so im using that as an excuse. i bought 100 dollar jbl buds which rocked my wallet but so far theyre nice. other than the usual MENTAL ILLNESS im ok :). ive been feeling dysmorphic as well bc the last few days ive eaten more than one meal and ik i should be glad bc RECOVERY or whatnot but yall anorexic bitches shouldknow whats up when i say a bitch feels heavy when u eat a bit more than planned!!! as a hypocrite i say stay with loved ones and eat what you want!! YOLO :heart: CON TODO MI CORAZON, KOTA

JUNE 23RD, 2019 10:40 PM

felt off today ehehe i didnt sleep until 9 AM WHATS WRONG W ME!!!!!!!!! whatever i went to a park today but obnoxious people blasted their music which over stimmed me lol it was nice being out. nothings happening i feel myself going in and out a depressive episode like im on the edge and somethings going to happen and finally PUSH ME! this sounds emo but i dont want to bug my friends about it. i made this to express my thoughts freely w semi anonimity so I SHALL!!!! i love uu lol.

JUNE 23RD, 2019 1:27 AM

supskies nothing happened yesturday (22nd) just worked. i open every morning next week... we makin that bread... rn im trying to just add color to my site just trying to get every page to its basic design and then ill go crazy ajskjfns cancer season really hittin but im trying to be rational about my feelings and fears!!! hope i hang w my sis tmw.. LOVE, ME.

JUNE 21ST,2019 11:06 PM

ok well i was supposed to hang w friends but my anxiety got in the way and we all decided to go shopping on another day w less complications... ANYWAY... i went to the thrift store and found a Tears for Fears From the Big Chair, ABBA s The Visitor, and a Mamas and Papas comp vinyl... for... *drum roll plz* 15 BUCKS!!! i meditated w my crystals so i had some luck by my side!!!! i also bought a cute beige shirt w a green design on it. ill post pix when i have my life together. sorry this sites lackluster but u can find me anywhere else at @sm64sh LOL LOTS OF LOVE, KOTA.

JUNE 20TH, 2019 10:42 PM

today started pretty boring i went to my moms doctors appointment BUT WHEN i we went to eat at the diners the owners son was working and i had a little crush on him eeeee he goes to another school so i dont really know him but hes so cute and my brain short circuits whenever he talks to me!!!! anyway the pet store finally got a female pug!!!! shes still a puppy and unnamed but we should be able to get her in a week!! im so excited my other pug just died and i just miss her a ton! the house needs a bit more life now that everyones moved out and its just my mom and i.

JUNE 19TH, 2019 10:42 PM

oh cool! i gained 2 followers :^) im working on my site now. this is pretty fun but a bit much for my peanut brain. i came back from work and realized im good friends w my coworker irving who i thought was annoying 3 months ago. the shift was tough due to me not taking my meds on time and having withdrawal symptoms. anyway i love uu!!

JUNE 19TH, 2019 3:58 PM

this is my first post. this coding shit is hard. ))): ill be back. i work at five. hopefully time flies.


UPDATES

7/24/19 i added a lame ass column lets see what ill do next :pensive: